ALIVE

Why hello there? So, as you see, the last entry was posted October of 2008, and what date is it today? Blame laziness. No, I forgot the password. No, I was just too lazy to search my e-mail address for that notification mail I got after creating this blog. Turns out it was just a very easy password, 2nd most common I use when I sign up for personal spaces in the worldwide web.

I’ve been planning to revive this blog of mine a long time ago,  but I just love my my Livejournal account too much and everyone’s on Facebook (even pets) that I forgot about this. Like I said, this would contain less fandom stuff (the gory, boring details of my life), or probably, old music I love to listen to, book reviews or anything goes.

Reading my last entry made me laugh. I was 18 then (about to turn 19, but nobody cared). Now I am 21. Cripes. I sound like I am too old, but then again, I think I’m already too old for my age. Probably half a century old if you’d ignore I was born in 1989. Hey, time is relative. I’ve been reborn many times.

So….for posterity’s sake (and an anti-dementia measure), I’ll be blogging again.

Last night, my cousin and I went to the Opening of Hanako Amihan’s 「SUB ROSA」 Art Exhibit at Bliss Cafe. I first met her when I was still working at Bliss, if I remember October last year. I usually get an impression of people by reading auras and I wasn’t mistaken that she’s the talented kind of person. So when I had the chance to talk to her last night, I told her that she reeks of an otaku (plus the fact that she’s Half-Japanese), which was right ’cause she loves anime. Her works reflect yuri (though I am more of a yaoiphile, there’s so much artistry and expression in her works that I’d strongly recommend you guys see it while it’s there until March 10) , and I tell you, not everyone could be courageous enough to use it as an inspiration in his\her works. Oh society. But Hana is too talented to be ignored, and her artworks are excellent (an understatement, I tell you!). If you have a chance to go to Baguio at this great time of the year, please come and experience Bliss!

Bravissima!

Before the opening started, the guests were treated to yummy samosas. My cousin enjoyed ‘em, thanks Jim & Shanti!

Title: What’re Y’all Looking at?

(w\ the artist, wearing black. Chef Shanti and the Bliss Girls)

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I’ve been reading a lot of loveless people complaining about their “love lacks” this Valentine’s season. I feel sorry for them, why can’t they find love in nature? There’s this abundance of love, they’re just “Looking for love at the wrong places”. XD If I failed to mention earlier, I’ll pretend as a DJ and share songs I like. For now, here’s the quintessential Norah Jones with her cover of the Elvis Presley classic “Love Me Tender”.

Another one, a collaboration with her sister, Anoushka Shankar. The song is called “Easy”. May you find yourself in a state of contemplation while listening to this one.

29 ~ Oktubre na pala

(Pasensiya na, Taglish ang post na ito. Madami lang akong naiisip.)

Yun, Oktubre na pala. Nagulat ako. At di lang yun, ikatlong araw na ng ika-sampung buwan ng taon.

Sabi nga ng isa kong kaibigan, ang dami ko daw issues. Kahit nga ako, sa sobrang hina ng utak ko pagdating sa Math, hindi ko kayang bilangin. Alam ko kung ano ang 2, at 2+2=4! Kailangan ko nga palang karirin ang algebra ko. Isa na dito ang nalalapit kong pagpapalit-edad. Yak. Tatanda na naman ako. Ayoko nga.

Nung bata ako, motto ko ang “It’s better to receive than to give.”. Ganun kasaya ang buhay, pero ngayon, nawala na ang mga nagbibigay ng regalo, minsan talagang nagtitipid pa ako para makapag-ipon at mabili ang mga gusto ko. Lagi kong dahilan yung sa Economics, ang walang-kamatayang “OPPORTUNITY COST”. Mahirap na pag nabili ng iba, mahirap na pag naubusan ka, mahirap na pag pakiramdam mo na-miss mo ang 1/4 ng buhay mo dahil lang sa hindi ka nagkaroon ng bagay na yun.

Hirap nga naman ng buhay dito sa ‘Pinas. Ako lang ba ang ganito kalalim mag-isip na pati problema ng mga pusa sa pang-araw-araw nilang pagkain iniisip ko pa? Nako-conscious din ba ang aso pag jumebbs siya sa gitna ng daan? Overboard na talaga akong mag-isip, at gusto ko ng kumonsulta sa isang psychologist o psychiatrist tungkol sa kung ano mang problema ang meron ako, o posible ngang sayad na sa utak.

Balik ulit sa pagpapalit-edad. HIndi ko matanggap ang katotohanang napakarami nang mas bata sa akin ang mas may maraming na-aacomplish na sa buhay. Karamihan sa kanila, natupad na ang mga pangarap, nakabili na ng magagarang damit at sapatos, nakapagpatayo na ng bahay at nagkaroon na ng kotse, at yung iba bakla na, pero ako, eto, dugyutin pa rin, at kapag sinusuwerte, napapagkamalang foreigner. Hanggang dun lang, at ni hindi ko pa nagagamit ang kung ano mang kakayahang maipagmamalaki ko. In short, isa ako sa mga pinakatalong tao sa mundong ibabaw.

Sa ngayon, parang isang mabisang distraction ang detachment para sa akin. Pag solusyon kasi nakakabago ng buhay, mahirap ng bumalik sa dati. Sa distraction, marami ka pang alternatives para makabalik at baguhin yung kung ano mang pagkakamali ang nagawa mo o di mo nagustuhan. Ang katotohanan kasi ay unti-unting nagiging alaala, minsan nakakabuwisit at madalas, nakakaapekto sa confidence. Nito-nito lang, medyo dumadalas ang pakikipag-bonding ko sa mga kaibigan ko, sa mga pinsan ko, sa mga tita ko, pero naramadaman ko na hindi ko maintindihan kung ano kailangan ko kung bakit sumasama ako sa kanila. Para ba sa ano? Para ba maramdaman kong may nangangailangan sa akin? Para ba maramdaman kong mahalaga ako?

Hindi yata. Kaya ngayon ay isa akong konsyumer na atat bumili sa pinakabagong produkto na makakapagdulot ng bahagyang pagbabago at kaliwanagan- ang DISTRACTION. Si kaibigang QLC (quarter life crisis), mukhang ayaw pa rin mawalay sa akin, kaya hayan, medyo napakaraming bagay ang gumugulo sa akin. Natatakot akong dumating yung time na kahit pa alam kong competitive ako sa utakan, mabuburo lang ako sa bahay at aasa sa padala ng mga magulang ko.

Nakakalungkot, pero mukhang hindi ito malabong mangyari.

Sa ngayon, parang ayaw ko munang kausapin ang mga magulang ko. Di ko alam, pero nung sinabi ko sa kaibigan kong si Rovie na umiiwas akong kausapin sila, nakahugot ako ng dahilan. Marahil ay wala naman akong magandang ikukuwento. Naiinis ako sa sarili ko pag napakadaming “DEAD AIR” pag kausap ko sila, dahil minsan, pinipilit kong alalahanin yung mga magagandang nangyayari….yung mga magaganda lang. Ni hindi ko man lang naikwento sa kanila yung pagkakabangga ko sa kawayan, yung pagkakadulas ko at kung ano-ano pa. Puro positive journalism lang. Iniiwasan ko rin na matanong nila ako sa mga plano ko ngayong malapit na naman akong tubuan ng bagong sungay.  Nahihiya na ako sa kanila kasi 2nd to the highest lang naman ako sa midterm namin sa French, kasi ako lang ang fluent sa English sa klase namin, kasi napakarami kong kakaibang ideas pero sa ganun, kahit kailan, hindi ko nakamit ang mga pangarap ko, na pangarap din nila. Epic failure talaga ang anak nila. Ayoko ng maniwala sa mga commercial na kunwari kahit pa natagusan yung anak habang kumakanta sa choir eh proud pa rin ang mudraks niya sa kanya (yung sa TIDE).

Napakanipis nga ng chance na magtagumpay ako sa anumang karerang papasukin ko. Kasing-nipis ng overworked na katawan ni Kota Yabu. Napakarami ko nang bagay na napagtanto gaya ng buhay, pangarap, etc. dahil lang sa kababasa ko ng libro. Ewan.

Feeling ko ako si Sybil, may Dissociative Identity Disorder. Minsan, I’m one of the many, minsan, masaya akong nag-iisa ako. Ganun.

Ang saya ng buhay no?

Makulay, parang yung mga nakikita kong nagsusuot ng matitingkad na colored pants dito. Tsaka yung mga scarf na sinusuot ng mga ewan dito. Scarf na una kong nakitang suot ni Ryo Nishikido na mukhang okay pa rin kahit tinatagasan na ng pawis habang kumakanta. At take note, sa kanya lang bagay yun, partida pa dahil dugyot na siya sa lagay na yun.

Bumili nga pala ako ng dalawang de-lata kanina sa KOOP MART. Napansin ko kasing wala na pala kaming ulam ni hadji pag nagkataon. Ayoko namang inisin pa ang Nanay sa itsura ko kapag nalalaman niyang napipilitan lang akong kumain.

In fairness naman, ayos ang mood niya pag-uwi ko kanina kasi andun si Ka Nandy.

Hay buhay. OK rin palang sakyan ang mood swings ng Nanay. (:

Dalawang gabi na akong umiiyak kaiisip ng gagawin ko sa birthday ko. Makapagkulong kaya sa kuwarto o kaya umalis na lang ng bigla at umuwi ng gabi?

Bahala na. Birthday lang naman yun. Birthday lang.

Sige, tatahimik na ako.

28~ everyone has his/her episodes

I have no classes today, and all I did was I bummed in front of my computer. I didn’t have any clear thought of what I had to do, but the day passed me by and nothing good was accomplished.

I wanted to be so sarcastic to myself that there will surely come a time that I’ll feel so critical of myself and it might force me to give up.

Why is it so hard for people to understand me? I’m not even building up barriers.

And to think that I’m twisted by default makes it all the more hard.

I would hate it if October comes fast because I will only feel emotional and agitated.

The people around me drive me crazy. I don’t think I’ll be able to grow up as long as I keep on thinking of them with the mental capacity of an 8-year old. I don’t know too if I’ll be able to have a life, a real life once I graduate from college. I’M ONLY STUDYING FOR THE SAKE OF THE DIPLOMA. Too bad, even if I think that I somehow have confidence in myself, I won’t do good.

Just like life. I live for the sake of living it. Now I realized that my optimism is a bit shallow and superficial.

27~ Why Chibi Maruko-chan is made of win

This morning, my brother had a bum stomach. I felt so bad for him, I wanted the pain myself so I’d get thin.  >_>; He wants to go to school tomorrow ’cause it’s their feast day and being the busybody that he is, how can he miss the event? If I were the one with the stomachache, I wouldn’t miss out on anything because I don’t have classes every Monday.

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Yesterday, I finished watching the live action adaptation of the popular cartoon Chibi Maruko-chan. I didn’t expect tear-jerking scenes (or maybe I’m the type of person who’d cry watching it because I can relate), and it reminded me of how mischievous I was way back when I was a kid.

Little lessons in life like “Don’t lie.”, “Apologize when you made a mistake.”, “Behave.”, brings back the memories of the times I learned them by myself. I can remember being scolded because of my mischiefs, of being a very naughty kid who looked as if she’s high on E. XD I can totally relate.

When I was a kid, I was my parents’ joy and pain. I even thought I brought them all sorts of misfortune, and because of that, I became motivated to do my best and somehow, make them proud of me. When I join and win contests, I feel satisfaction beyond compare because it was for them. It was a great feeling to bring them happiness…but that was when I still was a kid.

I think I haven’t brought home any good and epic news since I started my college life.  Maybe I had some, but they were too minor and less interesting (or should I say, almost nil?). Whenever my cousins get praised for their achievements, I feel my confidence dwindle to the size of a mustard seed. I’m kinda pragmatic, I can’t put my mind to rest ’cause I always thought of myself as an unusual girl. I was told that I am the “picture of restraint”, the epitome of childlike coolness, but in life, I’ve never done something that made me really appreciate my worth.

Back to Chibi Maruko-chan, I realized that my inner child hasn’t left me yet. To quote Tegomass’ song “Miso Soup”:

I’m always a kid, I’ll never be matured enough. Never ask for anything, you gave me all the love you have. All the love you gave me, Mom. Makes me want to see you again…”

I’m so sensitive and emotional and I easily cry at the littlest of things. Growing up is a risky business, and I can’t really move on to being an adult. Am not ready for that phase, am not prepared to let go yet. Even if I say I don’t want to hurry, the rest of the world is changing. I’m left out. It’s my fear of failure, of committing mistakes that I’ll soon regret.

I can never hide what I feel when I write. Yes, I feel crappy and sad because I dwell too much on the past.

I don’t think I’m a bad kid after all.

Than you, that makes me feel great.

But the truth is, this sugarcoating doesn’t last, and I’ll probably cry myself to sleep later.

26~ the thoughts are out of control (as always)

So I just had the proper time to let it out. My schedule wasn’t that freaky and I wasn’t that busy, but I felt like I need the right thoughts to talk about. Peace of mind. Seems like it doesn’t exist in my world.

Let me start with my fandom. I know I’m the kind of person who’s shallow enough to squee at my favorite idols. I admit that one of my dreams is to stalk them even for once, but the boys have reportedly “complained” and appealed to the fans to stop acting that way. Some fans were hurt, especially with the remark of one of the boys above (see header image, the third from the left). He belongs to a new group now, together with the second one (from the left), and with all my honesty, I never liked the new group at all. He said that he wants the fans to stop telling him that they don’t like him in that group. I can say from the tone of his message that he was obviously annoyed. I don’t want to talk about that aspect anymore, but I’ll be in defense of the other idols due to the fact that they’re paying the price of fame that hard way.

Isn’t it scary? I’ve been wondering why such line between celebrities and normal people exist when they’re also human. Come to think of it, I know I’m a fan, but for those who go to such unimaginable lengths, they’re crazy. People. Individuals. Humans. Organisms. Too bad I wouldn’t get a 1.0 for this.

Recalling an important part of my Literature subject during Third Year High School, I remembered Shylock’s monologue from ACT 3, SCENE 1:

If you prick us, do we not bleed?….and if you wrong us, shall we not revenge? If we are like you in the rest, we will resemble you in that.

And we all go back to the talk of perfection…again. XD These idols, with soft, shiny hair, killer smiles, awesome dancing skills and whatnot, no matter how many times we think that they’re perfect or almost perfect…are humans just like us. It’s just their job that sets them apart….and I hope people would treat them as ordinarily as others.

But it’s just disappointing. >_>; I feel so down now. What am I going to fangirl from this point? Public drama is half-amusing and half-depressing. Fine, go and laugh.

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In a more serious note, I just thought about my future. I just thought about how big this world is. Of how I want to see it, entirely, for it would really give meaning to my existence. I want to go to many places, to explore and to experience the wonders of everything.

Last night, as I was fixing some of my things, I saw my new passport. Where would it get me? What place am I going to see first? It makes me sad when I think of what I could possibly be doing at a certain point in time. There could be thousands of possibilities in one moment. How depressing it is when you just imagine yourself having a ride on the Shinkansen, but in reality, you’re just bumming around and yet, the railway project in your province hasn’t begun yet. The government is always epic fail.

I want to see the world. I want to get out of here. XD I don’t want to rot here for eternity. My passportttttt!!!!

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Religion. Old foks don’t understand me. I have to sacrifice, I have to put up with them.  But I can’t start my life alone somewhere. Whatever happened to my freedom, whatever happened to understanding and acceptance, I don’t know. I can’t even break down, my brother (even though he can understand) might not be able to handle me because I’ve been so full of it.

I want to do a lot of things, but being barred from a lot of possibilities, I don’t know if I can live my life to the fullest.

I’ve been meaning to tell my parents that I have a lot of things I’d want to do. It would be a sappy tearfest if that happens. XD

25~ the Philippines should care for its elderly

There are a lot of things that I cannot understand regarding this society. If I should be proud of the traditions and the customs, that’s one thing in my mind that I’d want to think of because nothing seems to be happening. I don’t get it when majority of the Filipinos say they take pride of their heritage, of being hospitable, helpful and kind. Hypocrisy, my friends, and it’s such a waste that this generation where I’m a part of deals with it like it’s not a serious matter.

I live with my grandparents, both senior citizens who have at least, experienced the meager privileges and discounts provided by the government. However, my grandfather came home disappointed because the tricycle fare demanded from him was too much, and his status wasn’t considered. As a student, sometimes, I’m not particular with the discount (during scholdays), especially when the driver looks really tired or when he is kind enough to ask me questions about where I study and what course I’m taking up. If only there would be more accommodating and fatherly drivers around, people would really enjoy public vehicle rides.

Everywhere I go, I see old peddlers, beggars, vendors and workers. Bent backs, wrinkled skin and slow movements really mean that these people, instead of working hard all day, should be taken care of and given the proper treatment. I don’t know what the government is doing, but I just hope that they should really do something about this.

I’m so disappointed.

24~ confused people around me

So I’m not actually the only one. I always overlooked the fact that there are also people who don’t know what to do with their lives. I’m such a big dumbass.  This wouldn’t make me hate myself more anyway so…

Latest realization: I don’t think I’m learning a big deal of course-related things in school. Screw the university. If anyone understands me, you know what my point is (or what I’m pointing out).

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I had a very weird dream last night. I was running with my friends, and it’s not anywhere else- we were running on the highway! How weird is that? There were no jeepneys (I can’t actually remember if there were) and we were wearing nice outfits. There was also a school fair in my brother’s “school” (which didn’t look like his school!) and there were some unexpected sightings like Takeshi Kitano and a seemingly annoying person. Hahaha. Then, there was also a part of a dream where I was inside a classroom with two friends (and I can’t remember their faces). It was a very big classroom and the teacher prepared an activity where she played songs like Remioromen’s Sangatsu Kokonoka and Konayuki (those were the only ones I can really recall). I was even surprised and happy that the teacher there knows J-dramas. XD (WEEEEIRD.) Okay, so that was what I remember.

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Yama Onna, Kabe Onna is a very entertaining drama. I can totally relate to the character of the Kabe Onna (Wall Woman) who’s kinda flat-chested, but I can also relate to Yama Onna (Mountain Woman) in terms of naive character, of being eager to learn from people who know better than me.

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I have to compile the pictures I took when my parents were here. I had a lot of nature photographs during that time because we had a couple of out-of-town trips then. Well, some of them need a little retouching while some don’t because they’re good as they are. Majority of the pictures are of flowers, while some are still shots of places. I want to take more pictures and I’ll show them to my parents when they come here again. Photography is something I really love to do.

23~ Happy Birthday Papa!

My father’s birthday

Without him, I wouldn’t be here and I wouldn’t be who I am now. It’s a cliche, but it’s true that almost half of myself, I owe to him.

A sad fact though is that he wasn’t present in some of the notable “firsts” in my life. Well, only in presence, but I’m really certain that we were always on his mind, and he works hard to provide a better future for us.

Inadequacy issues. I feel so incapable of being someone my parents could be proud of. I think it would hard for me to find a job, not because I’m not competitive, but there are a lot of unexplainable issues behind that.

All I know is that I want to repay them in the best way I can. For all the hardships we went through as a family, being their eldest child, it’s not just my responsibility, but it is rather my desire to make them happy for they deserve to be.

Happy Birthday Papa, if in case you read this, I’m very proud of you. I’m such a lucky person to be your daughter!

22~ oh well

it sucked. I don’t know if I’m making sense this time, but it’s getting worse.

21~ pessimism (d.i.s.c.o.m.b.o.b.u.l.a.t.i.o.n)

My mind has been getting full and fed up of random things that I just can’t easily get rid of. It seems like I’m slowly feeling my uselessness. I’m already beginning to lose my worth. Failing memory, inevitable mistakes, inability to understand the simplest of things, I already don’t know where I’m exactly headed for.

Inside my head, there’s a kind of pain I can’t describe. Slowly causing disintegration and destruction. A kind of pain that’s hard to detect by the mind it victimizes.

What hurts more is that I don’t know, and all the more that the people around me don’t. Maybe, those are just the things I came to know that I never should have known.

This is something that requires a long-term rest and confinement with comfort. Too much thoughts torture me, and it’s such a shame shoved on my face that this is where my ideakism and pure intentions brought me.

Disappointment, to remind me of how childish was my view of everything in this world. I reproach self-pity and irrelevant drama. A part of me is hoping that this’ll end soon, sooner as possibleso this would’t treat me like I’m a sack dragged to an empty basement.

How long can inspiration keep you going?

How long can faith help you hold on to the transience of all the things you love?

Are inspiration, faith and optimism enough to hold you together and keep the pieces of your fragile self from falling?

That I don’t know.

I keep on committing the same mistakes, receiving the same blows, but I never got to the point of learning how to defend myself.

The losses were great, but the gains were few and disappointing. I just realized that I never understood the complexities of life.

Is this kind of thinking a gift or a curse?