22~ oh well

it sucked. I don’t know if I’m making sense this time, but it’s getting worse.

21~ pessimism (d.i.s.c.o.m.b.o.b.u.l.a.t.i.o.n)

My mind has been getting full and fed up of random things that I just can’t easily get rid of. It seems like I’m slowly feeling my uselessness. I’m already beginning to lose my worth. Failing memory, inevitable mistakes, inability to understand the simplest of things, I already don’t know where I’m exactly headed for.

Inside my head, there’s a kind of pain I can’t describe. Slowly causing disintegration and destruction. A kind of pain that’s hard to detect by the mind it victimizes.

What hurts more is that I don’t know, and all the more that the people around me don’t. Maybe, those are just the things I came to know that I never should have known.

This is something that requires a long-term rest and confinement with comfort. Too much thoughts torture me, and it’s such a shame shoved on my face that this is where my ideakism and pure intentions brought me.

Disappointment, to remind me of how childish was my view of everything in this world. I reproach self-pity and irrelevant drama. A part of me is hoping that this’ll end soon, sooner as possibleso this would’t treat me like I’m a sack dragged to an empty basement.

How long can inspiration keep you going?

How long can faith help you hold on to the transience of all the things you love?

Are inspiration, faith and optimism enough to hold you together and keep the pieces of your fragile self from falling?

That I don’t know.

I keep on committing the same mistakes, receiving the same blows, but I never got to the point of learning how to defend myself.

The losses were great, but the gains were few and disappointing. I just realized that I never understood the complexities of life.

Is this kind of thinking a gift or a curse?

20~ Math hates me. :|

I always knew for a fact that I’m not that good in Math. Well, I’m trying my best, doing my best, and yet, my best isn’t always that good enough. Maybe it’s just that I wasn’t blessed with the skills, but I just can’t give up that easily because I have to pass this damn subject.

My optimism, motivation and whatever ability I have don’t get me anywhere. I’m not expecting good grades anymore and it hurts to know that I can’t really feel confident when it comes to my studies. I just feel averagely idiotic now when I’m supposed to be driven by my desire to become a teacher.

I was wishing that there would still be no classes tomorrow so the test won’t push through. >_>;

Parents do not know what the heck I’m going through now. I feel so hopeless. I want to learn, but the problem has something to do with the incapability of my mind to absorb. I can’t simply dismiss it as short attention span or lack of focus, it’s in my memory.

I’ve always tried to convince myself that obtaining a diploma and finishing a degree is important, but it always goes down to the thought of there are people who succeeded despite not finishing their studies. There are people who are indeed lucky to have been blessed with everything. It turns out that I’m not one of them and I always have to get everything the hard way.

Why can’t I just do the things I want to? I feel much more productive that way. I can feel my worth, I can feel confidence and I don’t have to prove anything to anyone. I can simply enjoy living minus the pretensions of being okay.

Disillusionment. This could be the result of thinking overboard.

19~ Sunday rain

Today, there wasn’t that much promise of a very beautiful day. It started to rain this morning and I easily felt that I wouldn’t want to go to church.  Basically, I would have dragged myself and feel okay if the weather is fine, but since it was raining and my mood was completely ruined, I was coerced.

I don’t understand why other people keep on going to church when in fact, they’re just doing it to whitewash themselves. It’s like they think of it as merely an attendance to something that would get them somewhere, but inside them, there’s nothing, and they have other thoughts which the Church doesn’t have to do with.

I was asked to buy a few things from the grocery because my brother has been complaining of lack of snacks. At night, I feel a little hungry (after supper) because I don’t really eat a lot these days. It really depends if the food is my favorite.

But I still can’t lose weight. D; I really need to move a lot so the calories would burn well.

18~ memory issues

Audio theory prof asked me what happened why my score was low in the second quiz. I just moved my shoulders and nodded like “YEAH I KNOW.”

People don’t know that I’m struggling against memory problems. I used to have a very sharp memory, but it seems like it’s fading a bit as of recent. I feel so useless and my studies are getting affected. I already tried to focus, I exerted effort with regards to my attention span, but…IT ALWAYS FAILS.

I just hate how things are going. >_>; But then, I’ll always try…and do whatever’s the best I can.

17~ disappointment

Last Friday, I was really prepared with my report, unfortunately, due to inevitable circumstances like lack of time, I expected that I’m going to report today. However, the preceding group wasn’t done up to now and they still have one more reporter ’till next week! :O

Nothing much happened today, except for some things learned. I went home immediately after we were dismissed because I had this headache since the afternoon period started.

But still…what a day.

16~ weird world weather

It was a very hot day, but it was dark even before 6 PM. It also rained, so what was left for me to think?

WEATHER ENGINEERING. Something MUST really be wrong.

15~ destination nowhere

It was a sudden decision how Charlotte, Jo and I ended up going to the CHED Regional Office in Pampanga. The jeepney ride (minus the gory details of the fare increase) was fun, although as early as this afternoon, I felt the dust getting absorbed by my pores. However, the CHED inquiry was not so successful as we hoped for, but we just went to the longest mall in the country to window-shop.

It was really fun, even though we had a very tight budget only allotted for food and transportation.

As for my thoughts, I’ve been thinking of optimism again. If it doesn’t work, try again. It’s like living, you die, but you live again…you’re just not aware of it. You get tired physically, but take advantage of your immortality as a soul. (:

14~ raw voice (hontou no koe me ni mienai… XD)

*sings Yorokobi no Uta by KAT-TUN* It’s my clique’s latest theme song. We’ve had enough of Wahaha, DREAMS, and Dschinghis Khan. XP

We had our news reporting at the speech lab and I was really nervous. I managed to finish it but not without minor mistakes and faults.

However, my professor’s commentary was just okay. He said that I have the best raw voice, which I never expected at all because I thought I sounded so gay while reading my script. It wasn’t really bad, although my grade was a bit higher than average (but this made me realize that this stuff isn’t meant for me).

This wasn’t an eventful day. I had difficulty in breathing and I felt so out of mood.

13~ bumming

Today wasn’t even a rainy day although it’s Monday. My grandmother has been complaining because of the heat, and so did I.

It’s late afternoon now, and my day is just okay.  I downloaded some music videos to make use of the undisrupted connection since morning. I just thought of the L Change the World movie, and one of his English quotes there that really struck me was “No matter how gifted, you alone cannot change the world.”. Perfect. XD

I still have a lot of questions left hanging in my mind. If I can lose weight and earn money by just thinking while sitting in front of the computer, I could probably earn moolah without batting an eyelash. >_>;

My thoughts aren’t even that good enough for me to sell. I always give my ideas not for my own benefit and that just sucks. Maybe I’ll only stay and rot here until I turn 30 and become an old maid who’ll take care of my brother’s kids. Or maybe, if I just kind of felt it, I’ll voluntarily enter a mental institute to have a reclusive lifestyle. Too much thoughts and info kill.

With regards to my mind, I think my memory’s failing too. Short-term memory, and I have a problem with my attention span too. When I have no classes, I try to exercise my memory, cut back from reading, and sleep. I’m not in a hurry to see the progress, but it would be a great thing if everything goes on very well. If yesterday, I mentioned that I’m turning 19 and not getting any younger, this time, I’m saying that I’m only 19, and there could still be a lot of things waiting for me.