28~ everyone has his/her episodes

I have no classes today, and all I did was I bummed in front of my computer. I didn’t have any clear thought of what I had to do, but the day passed me by and nothing good was accomplished.

I wanted to be so sarcastic to myself that there will surely come a time that I’ll feel so critical of myself and it might force me to give up.

Why is it so hard for people to understand me? I’m not even building up barriers.

And to think that I’m twisted by default makes it all the more hard.

I would hate it if October comes fast because I will only feel emotional and agitated.

The people around me drive me crazy. I don’t think I’ll be able to grow up as long as I keep on thinking of them with the mental capacity of an 8-year old. I don’t know too if I’ll be able to have a life, a real life once I graduate from college. I’M ONLY STUDYING FOR THE SAKE OF THE DIPLOMA. Too bad, even if I think that I somehow have confidence in myself, I won’t do good.

Just like life. I live for the sake of living it. Now I realized that my optimism is a bit shallow and superficial.

27~ Why Chibi Maruko-chan is made of win

This morning, my brother had a bum stomach. I felt so bad for him, I wanted the pain myself so I’d get thin.  >_>; He wants to go to school tomorrow ’cause it’s their feast day and being the busybody that he is, how can he miss the event? If I were the one with the stomachache, I wouldn’t miss out on anything because I don’t have classes every Monday.

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Yesterday, I finished watching the live action adaptation of the popular cartoon Chibi Maruko-chan. I didn’t expect tear-jerking scenes (or maybe I’m the type of person who’d cry watching it because I can relate), and it reminded me of how mischievous I was way back when I was a kid.

Little lessons in life like “Don’t lie.”, “Apologize when you made a mistake.”, “Behave.”, brings back the memories of the times I learned them by myself. I can remember being scolded because of my mischiefs, of being a very naughty kid who looked as if she’s high on E. XD I can totally relate.

When I was a kid, I was my parents’ joy and pain. I even thought I brought them all sorts of misfortune, and because of that, I became motivated to do my best and somehow, make them proud of me. When I join and win contests, I feel satisfaction beyond compare because it was for them. It was a great feeling to bring them happiness…but that was when I still was a kid.

I think I haven’t brought home any good and epic news since I started my college life.  Maybe I had some, but they were too minor and less interesting (or should I say, almost nil?). Whenever my cousins get praised for their achievements, I feel my confidence dwindle to the size of a mustard seed. I’m kinda pragmatic, I can’t put my mind to rest ’cause I always thought of myself as an unusual girl. I was told that I am the “picture of restraint”, the epitome of childlike coolness, but in life, I’ve never done something that made me really appreciate my worth.

Back to Chibi Maruko-chan, I realized that my inner child hasn’t left me yet. To quote Tegomass’ song “Miso Soup”:

I’m always a kid, I’ll never be matured enough. Never ask for anything, you gave me all the love you have. All the love you gave me, Mom. Makes me want to see you again…”

I’m so sensitive and emotional and I easily cry at the littlest of things. Growing up is a risky business, and I can’t really move on to being an adult. Am not ready for that phase, am not prepared to let go yet. Even if I say I don’t want to hurry, the rest of the world is changing. I’m left out. It’s my fear of failure, of committing mistakes that I’ll soon regret.

I can never hide what I feel when I write. Yes, I feel crappy and sad because I dwell too much on the past.

I don’t think I’m a bad kid after all.

Than you, that makes me feel great.

But the truth is, this sugarcoating doesn’t last, and I’ll probably cry myself to sleep later.

26~ the thoughts are out of control (as always)

So I just had the proper time to let it out. My schedule wasn’t that freaky and I wasn’t that busy, but I felt like I need the right thoughts to talk about. Peace of mind. Seems like it doesn’t exist in my world.

Let me start with my fandom. I know I’m the kind of person who’s shallow enough to squee at my favorite idols. I admit that one of my dreams is to stalk them even for once, but the boys have reportedly “complained” and appealed to the fans to stop acting that way. Some fans were hurt, especially with the remark of one of the boys above (see header image, the third from the left). He belongs to a new group now, together with the second one (from the left), and with all my honesty, I never liked the new group at all. He said that he wants the fans to stop telling him that they don’t like him in that group. I can say from the tone of his message that he was obviously annoyed. I don’t want to talk about that aspect anymore, but I’ll be in defense of the other idols due to the fact that they’re paying the price of fame that hard way.

Isn’t it scary? I’ve been wondering why such line between celebrities and normal people exist when they’re also human. Come to think of it, I know I’m a fan, but for those who go to such unimaginable lengths, they’re crazy. People. Individuals. Humans. Organisms. Too bad I wouldn’t get a 1.0 for this.

Recalling an important part of my Literature subject during Third Year High School, I remembered Shylock’s monologue from ACT 3, SCENE 1:

If you prick us, do we not bleed?….and if you wrong us, shall we not revenge? If we are like you in the rest, we will resemble you in that.

And we all go back to the talk of perfection…again. XD These idols, with soft, shiny hair, killer smiles, awesome dancing skills and whatnot, no matter how many times we think that they’re perfect or almost perfect…are humans just like us. It’s just their job that sets them apart….and I hope people would treat them as ordinarily as others.

But it’s just disappointing. >_>; I feel so down now. What am I going to fangirl from this point? Public drama is half-amusing and half-depressing. Fine, go and laugh.

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In a more serious note, I just thought about my future. I just thought about how big this world is. Of how I want to see it, entirely, for it would really give meaning to my existence. I want to go to many places, to explore and to experience the wonders of everything.

Last night, as I was fixing some of my things, I saw my new passport. Where would it get me? What place am I going to see first? It makes me sad when I think of what I could possibly be doing at a certain point in time. There could be thousands of possibilities in one moment. How depressing it is when you just imagine yourself having a ride on the Shinkansen, but in reality, you’re just bumming around and yet, the railway project in your province hasn’t begun yet. The government is always epic fail.

I want to see the world. I want to get out of here. XD I don’t want to rot here for eternity. My passportttttt!!!!

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Religion. Old foks don’t understand me. I have to sacrifice, I have to put up with them.  But I can’t start my life alone somewhere. Whatever happened to my freedom, whatever happened to understanding and acceptance, I don’t know. I can’t even break down, my brother (even though he can understand) might not be able to handle me because I’ve been so full of it.

I want to do a lot of things, but being barred from a lot of possibilities, I don’t know if I can live my life to the fullest.

I’ve been meaning to tell my parents that I have a lot of things I’d want to do. It would be a sappy tearfest if that happens. XD